First: some of the language is a bit immature. -"- please" hot adult looking sex should never be uttered by an adult unless it's an ageplay scenario. Or if there's bratting involved, perhaps there's a certain joking tone to the scene. You need to work to set the tone right from the beginning and stick with it, unless there's going to be a drastic change in the story's path. -"Throbbing". "Member". "Seed". "Mound" No. Just no. Please. These just make your writing seem amateur to the point of being juvenile. Second: there needs to be more detail to better describe transitions between the sex acts. As written, it's jarring. Unless you're going specifiy for that effect, it's defeating the purpose of writing. Writing requires flow. Third: grammar, spelling and structure. As someone pointed out earlier, grab the thesaurus and become best friends with it. I still struggle with dialogue. Sometimes I write dialogue that's just plain silly, to the point that it makes me cringe. So I know what you're dealing with.