Its a time where common sense is gone out the window. There are of us who have played this same game out and have been just as screwed up as you are. I also something locked up in you that isn't coming out. Anger. That's normal too. don't leave that locked up too, you need to find the best outlet for that you can. No, it most likely not be getting that closure thing everyone likes to spout on about. Life doesn't really work out that way in most cases. You'll need to make due with midnight runs or a punching bag at the gym or in my case the poor bathroom door was available, costly and unsatisfying really, go with the punching bag. You're fucked up right now and normal. Now get moving.

This started with the chaos of a mind; my mind, that feels things in a big way and articulates them dramatiy. I local seeking fucking told him I needed a way to let those collosal feelings out. I need a way to purge the ponderous passions of a that doesn't quite filter the world consistently. The following thoughts were the of : "Sometimes I submit to pain because I feel hate. Not the hate of a psycho/sociopath. No. This is a different manifestation of hate. A phenomenon of passion. An appearance of animus. We feel it. You feel it. If you are human you have felt it. But 99% of the population forego indulging it because they concern themselves with the exercise being unhealthy. Sometimes I feel like my mind the way you feel I'm just a little 'different' is anathema. I am anathema. and so I submit to hate. Sometimes I feel rage at injustice in the world (doesn't that sound wonderfully cliche?). malfeasance miffs me and makes my vision malenoid with umbrage. and so i submit to hate. Sometimes i someone something some idea so fiercely that i hate it. and so i submit to it. Sometimes I feel fierce. bloodthirsty. intense. truculent. uncontrollable. wild. and so i submit to hate. an energy of enmity. virulent venom. not against a thing or a person. its a fire. moxie. Spank me. Violate me. Flog me whip me make me bleed slowly make me make me make me make me so this energy can burn itself out explosive and terrifying and stilling like a dying. Because I feel. I feel things in a big way. I am overwhelmed every day with all manner of stimuli and I want to purge it like I hate it. and even in the world of kink this sort of mindset is anathema. it is sickly and damaging. it is dark and abnormal. it results in the question "why does every mainstream depiction of D/s revolve around people who have some sort of mental issue". because we are all fucking mental. because we are humans being. because we are bone and flesh and blood and the good majority of us never stop to ourselves as such. no. instead we are gods among men. we transcend cliche. conquer convention. rm nature. oh how careful and sane and deliberate we are. it is necessary. sometimes i need to deliberately burn out. to set the world on fire. to immolate everything that makes me doubt myself and doubt others.